I'm broken in more ways than one.
I just want life and all that it entails.
I have a tendency to grasp at straws,
When I want the whole fucking cake.

Meat and potatoes and gravy.
Fancy free.
The sadder but wiser girl- A Meredith WIlson fantasy.

In a world of buttered popcorn.

I don't feel like a kernel at all.

If everybody had an ocean...

I miss Alison so much.

I have this inexplicable fear that I will never see my best friends again.

I'm getting better at living moment to moment and enjoying myself.

I'm also doing what I love.
I love working at the playhouse, I love being in Cabaret, I'm taking classes this summer, so I feel like I'm going in the right direction.

I do like what I'm doing, activity wise.

I do not, however, like what I'm doing with/towards certain people.
I'm entangling too much into one thing. And I know its not healthy and that in the end I'm just going to regret it, and wish that I was a stronger person. But I'm not.

At least I'm realizing it now though. And I"m going to Disney for 6 months. So that will alleviate some tension.

But then, what happens?


I have two "problems."
Is the best way to solve them just to ignore them?
It seems like thats the way to go...


But I feel as long as I have these two people in my life, I'll never be able to move on.
Hopefully that'll be proven wrong, ASAP.
We'll see...

I'm watching knocked up with my Mom...

"Hey"
"Hey"
"I'm naked..."
"Yeah"

A Perfunctory Week.

and by perfunctory, i mean boring.
nothing is usual anymore.
nothing is exciting either.
I guess I just need a routine.

Its like half summer half spring. And I'm not diggin' it.

but what I am diggin'
snowglobes.
They are the perfect gift. Granted they're just a useless thing that will eventually be put away or worse thrown away, but something about snowglobes is so whimsical and fun. They're carefree, and yet incredibly intimate and personal because in a way, snowglobes can represent dreams and goals.
At least for me.

So anyway imaginary readers. If you buy me a snowglobe, I will cry and love you forever.


In other words...

I think I'm gonna start writing poetry along with plays.
I like don't believe in writing poetry, but it might like help me clear my mind. I always got good marks on my poems in school. Even from the ominous Dr. Bonin. So maybe, I'm not a BAD writer.

I don't know. I need to find root in something.
Theatre and music isn't doing that for me any more, bc I'm too analytical about it all.
Which is good.

I want to be an actress and singer. So I need to be objective about my craft.
However, by being so critical, I can no longer "release" myself into. Atleast, not where I personally am in my journey.

DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love what I'm doing. I would not change it for the world. Theatre is my love. It still brings me infinite amounts of joy, I just can't get up and do a monolog for fun anymore. its about getting better. Which is what I want.

Writing can be my new hobby. Where I don't have to constantly put myself out there. It can be an intimate, intrinsic part of me.



ANYWAY--- next blog. I want to write about why I love Art History and Short Stories and Literature. And how that relates to my love for theatre and music. Observation.

I took a plane, I took a train. AH who cares. You always end up in the city.

some days, i really don't understand why i think the way that i think.
Like really?
I hype myself into things. I guess I AM a little high stung.
(high-strung (hstrng)
adj.
Tending to be very nervous and easily excited.)


Yup. That would be me! But not so much nervous as anxious.

Anyway. I have realized so much about myself in the last 24 hours than I have in the last 24 weeks.
Ok, well maybe 24 days. But my head feels so clear. And I feel so detached and yet part at the same time.
It's so weird. But I think this is going to be a very good summer. I just have to let all of my expectations go.



Things I've been obsessed with for the last 4 hours: The New Kids on the Block- Summertime. Its amazing. I like just want to hop in the car and like jam out to that song in my bathing suit coming home from the beach.

The New Pornographers. They're like all I've been listening to for the last 32 hours.

New Porn, New Kids, What goes better than that?

my boyfriend.


"All the prep boys just continue to dress as they did at prep school. That goes on at Princeton, Harvard, Yale and even Columbia. If he's at Yale he'll have a backpack somewhere nearby.
I mean it's just prep moving through Ivy League. It's pretty standard."

-Anon, on the Sartorialist.


Couldn't be more right.

Can you be a hipster/hippy/prep all at one time?

crazy

So, it's summer officially for me.
Weird.


I REALLY hope I do well in school. It would be, very problematic if I didn't.
I just have to give it up to God.
I'm watching lifechurch this am, because I think it'll give me some perspective and give me a chance for a fresh start for summer.
I'm totally re-organizing my room, then hopefully the barn, and also my computer- which is basically overwhelmed with files/docs.


With everything that's happened this school year, I'm glad that I can just step away from it, and just begin again. You know, all of that "today is the first day of the rest of your life" and all corny stuff like that. I just really need to be organized for my summer classes. Plus its the summer now, so people randomly come over. Its like, not appropriate to have laundry strewn about the floor anymore.

I had a really good time in RI. I always do :D Hopefully I'll be able to go down next week. Chessy's having a lil reunion, so hopefully, this could work out!

Now Kara's calling me, so I need to go chat about the last few days with her!

so, acting is over.

So my acting class is over, and I wish I could also say that so is my semester.
But its not. Technically, I still have to hand in a ton of extra credit bullshit to hand in.


But anyway, Acting being over.
I have a pit in my stomach. It's like, I never imagined feeling this way after our final performance was over. It's like the let down from a show (that you actually LIKED being in, not like West Side, ha ha). I remember feeling this way when Beauty and the Beast was over. It's like "WOAH, we've just had an a-m-a-z-i-n-g experience. Now bye."

I guess that's the way that Broadway actors feel. When the run ends.

And I guess another thing that I feel sad about is that I haven't really done a "show-show" in a very very long time.

I just haven't felt this way in so long about a group of people that I hardly know. It's weird. It's like...."can I have your number?"
Knowing that you're never gonna talk to them again, let alone see them.

I just want to be settled, with a group of people like that, for more than a few months. I'm gonna be heart-broken leaving Disney, just like I was heart-broken leaving camp, sfxp, barnstable, and the abbey (junior, NOT senior, year).
Everything I've ever loved has come to an end. And I suppose that's the way things are supposed to be. I just wish that things would fade out instead of being blown out. (I know, I'm sort of the anthithesis of Kurt Cobain right now.)


I don't know, just my feelings.
I'm seeing Alley tonight. YAY :D She's going to be away all summer, and seriously I can't believe it's been a year since we L-I-V-E-D together...



So, that's my piece. Now I'm leaving to organize my academic life.
Then S U M M E R




p.s. Saw midnight showing of Prince Caspian last night. AH-MAZE-ING.
God, I'm a loser

Dreams Really Do Come True???

I hope so. I know its possible. I have had so many "dreams come true."
Just not in the past 2.25 years.

I just don't know what has happened.

I'm not here to vent about it right now. It's just I don't know when I became so unhappy.
I know I must have been happy before.
And I know that I've had very happy moments in my life (especially at OCU), its just that I used to be able to take joyous things that happened to me and apply them to my everyday life. When did I lose the ability to do that?
When did I lose the capacity to look beyond the minimal, tangible, real life things, and stare towards my future. I've always taken each experience I've had, and tried to put it into context.
Now, that almost seems impossible.


Is that what maturity is? Is that what happens when you "grow up?"

I believe that there is joy, and that there is happiness in the world. I believe that there is a way of being incandescently happy and content. If not forever then at least for a day.

Do I always have to take happy events with a grain of salt? Can I ever just enjoy something without having to anticipate the negative?

I want to experience something fully, completely, without inhibitions.
I just don't know if I ever will again.

UGH.

That's it I guess////


I'm so ready to be D-O-N-E.
1 more week. Then 2 more months...

Harry was a rich young man
Who would become a priest
He dug up his dear father
Who was recently deceased

He did it with tarot cards
And a mystically attuned mind
And shortly there
And after he did find

Jeanie was a spoiled young brat
She thought she knew it all
She smoked mentholated cigarettes
And she had sex in the hall

But she was not my kind
Or even of my sigh
The kind of animal
That I would be about

Woh-woh-woh, you keep hangin round me
And Im not so glad you found me
Youre still doing things that I gave up years ago
Oh-woh-woh-woh, you keep hangin round me
And Im not so glad you found me
Youre still doing things that I gave up years ago
All right now
Ah-huh-huh

Kathy was a bit surreal
She painted all her toes
And on her face she wore dentures
Clamped tightly to her nose

And when she finally spoke
Her twang her glasses broke
And no one else could smoke
While she was in the room

Hark the herald angels sang
And reached out for a phone
And plucking it with a knife in hand
Dialed long distance home

But it was all too much
Sprinkling angel dust
To at and t
Who didnt wish you well

Oh, but you keep hangin round me
And Im not so glad you found me
Youre still doing things that I gave up years ago
Ho-ho-ho-ho, you keep hangin round me
And Im not so glad you found me
Youre still doing things that I gave up years ago

Hangin round
Hangin round, thats all youre doing baby
Hangin round
Hangin round, ooohhh
Hangin round
Hangin round
Hangin round
Hangin round
...

i think i'm gonna start to write plays.

im gonna go listen to the edward albee speech again.

maybe it will motivate me.

i've consumed enough grilled cheese within the last 72 hours to feed a small nation.

Sunday- went to MFA with Nina. Called in sick.

I asked for it off, and didn't receive it. School is more important then the GAP.

Monday- worked from 6am-10am.

Had lunch with Lindsay.

Took Mom to the hospital.

She got out at 5 am.

Tuesday- Hospital. Missed work. I should quit, but i'll probs get fired.

Auntie Marg came and visited with me/ Mom.  We talked about her Belizean Conference. I obvi want to be a part of it. Big time.

Now I'm just sleepy. And dirty. And mildly depressed.

i wish my room was clean.

P>S I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE WEEKEND OF JUNE 14TH.

I'M SURPRISING MY BEST FRIENDS.

AHHHHHH

I gained five pounds today... Whoops.

I had a very poignant talk with my Mom about camp.

I told her how it helped me live without inhibitions, and how I can't fathom ever loving a place or time in my life more. Or how it saved my self esteem. Or how I felt like I was worth something. Or how I felt like such an integral part of something that was more than myself. Or how I knew I was loved. Or how I developed friendships that can't compare to people who I've known since 4th grade. Or how I realized that even though I'm fat, I deserve to be happy.

Jesus, why did I ever leave?

But anyway, she was really touched by it, which is good, because she hasn't always had the most positive things to say about camp.

I just think I would regret not eventually going back to be a counselor. I really think I would be good. You know. To give back.

Someday.

But this summer, I need to continue with higher education.

Yippy.

Anyway, here's to another summer without camp. I would give anything to go back for just a day/night. Like to 4 summers ago, when everything began...

Things are so different now.

It's a lottery baby. Everybody roll the dice. 

Obsessed times 1000 with this look

Saying I'm excited for the Sex and the City Movie, is like a flip flop to a high heel...

Mom recorded the Sex and the City Oprah episode for me. I  just finished watching it. I literally cried 5 times. Its like a mixture of sadness, excitedness, happiness, nostaglic-ness, just a lot of ness-es.

I think it's because

1) i absolutely love the show

2) i want to be in new york right now

3) i want to wear amazing clothes

4) i want to have amazing sex

and 

5) when i first became addicted to the show, was like 5 years ago, which is just such a special time in my eyes.

Thats why I cried.

So deal with it.

I think you were right. You might very possibly be my Mr. Big.

You can't dream up coats like this.

I found something online, 

on someones livejournal. 

i don't even know how I got onto eljay. I deleted mine about 2 years ago. 

But there was this post about how depressing boarding school is in feb/march and how its a completely different place in the spring.

It literally captured all of my feelings about the Abbey.

I hated Portsmouth Abbey. I hated every fucking minute of it, until the Spring. 

The Spring changed everything. Literally the Abbey becomes  different place. it is the most chimeric feeling, knowing that a place that can bring you into a deep well and never let you out, can produce the most surreal, peaceful feeling.

I miss the bay, and I miss the big field. I miss walking up to Benets by Marys. And the staircase in the back. 

I miss going to Potter League. And taking over Aquidneck Island. 

And going to Kyle's instead of Potter League. 

And having my 69 cent iccees at Cumbies. 

I miss Anja, and watching the sunset with her from our bedroom.

I miss hanging out by the fountains near Tuck. 

Everything about Portsmouth Abbey in May is perfect. I wish I could conjur back that feeling of contentment. 

I am very glad that highschool is over. In a way, I like being not content. And having no idea where my life is going. I just wish sometimes I could lie on the rocks with Libby and Alley and get an amazing tan and listen to Second Hand Seranade.

Is that too much to ask for?

------

I can't wait until summer when I can go to the beach and make fun of all of the guidos or asains with katie and hannah.  I want that feeling of serenity and sun.

I'm done with a lot of the "gp" drama, but I'm glad that Stepford is still mine.

I wish it wasn't raining. But a good thing about the rain is that it does end eventually.

Ineedtocleanthebarn.Imissmyrainboots.

i feel like i didn't explain myself. 

i just had the worst phone call ever.

The issue is, is that I wished that he liked me more than he does.

And I DO like him more than he likes me.

And I AM the one who ended things.

But would YOU be with someone if you knew that they didn't like you as much as you liked them.

I'm just trying to protect myself. Maybe I shouldn't.

I don't know. 

I wanted to tell you I changed. I want to tell you that things would be different this time.

I miss the feel of your hand on the back of my neck.

It's been nine months. I could have brought life into this world by now.

But instead we've remained stagnant.

---

I ruined a perfectly good relationship. Because I know what its like to have that feeling, and I don't want to settle for something less.

---

I put all of my pictures on a flash drive today. 

I needed to move them, and you off of my computer. 

What will my life be like when you're home again.

I'm thinking "lonelily" damien rice.

you might be thinking something different.

or worse. you might be thinking nothing at all.

my heart won't let my head move on.

-----

Happy thought: She doesn't know this is where we're going on June 14th.

Free concert? Hey there.

"These people don't know these people."

Ribbon. I fucking love ribbon.

Kara and I spent hours in MJ Trimming a few years ago, 

And I visit their website from time to time to make me smile.

There's nothing like looking at all of the stuff they have in there though.

Amazing buttons and ribbon and beads. And tons of unique vintage patterns

Anyway, back to class.

This is the first song for your mixtape.

I'm kind of obsessed. muxtape.

It could be worse. It could be raining.

Hello,

This is the dedication of my new blog.
After a very hard year, I have learned a new way of living. I have a new appreciation for even the tiniest of things. Because I've discovered that it's in the small gestures, minute details, and delicate features where I find the most joy.


Music, Poetry, Art, Memories, Food, Fashion, Books, Animals, People.
This blog isn't about them. It's about me. And the happiness that they can bring to us.

Smile for the day:

Adidas Grace Mid $85

When I look at these sneakers, I can't help but smile. I seriously want them! But I need to save some cash. I'm seeing two of my very best friends this weekend in the city!

There will definitely be numerous "smiles" after that adventure!

To the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Cheers,

Kaitlin