I have this inexplicable fear that I will never see my best friends again.

I'm getting better at living moment to moment and enjoying myself.

I'm also doing what I love.
I love working at the playhouse, I love being in Cabaret, I'm taking classes this summer, so I feel like I'm going in the right direction.

I do like what I'm doing, activity wise.

I do not, however, like what I'm doing with/towards certain people.
I'm entangling too much into one thing. And I know its not healthy and that in the end I'm just going to regret it, and wish that I was a stronger person. But I'm not.

At least I'm realizing it now though. And I"m going to Disney for 6 months. So that will alleviate some tension.

But then, what happens?


I have two "problems."
Is the best way to solve them just to ignore them?
It seems like thats the way to go...


But I feel as long as I have these two people in my life, I'll never be able to move on.
Hopefully that'll be proven wrong, ASAP.
We'll see...

I'm watching knocked up with my Mom...

"Hey"
"Hey"
"I'm naked..."
"Yeah"

A Perfunctory Week.

and by perfunctory, i mean boring.
nothing is usual anymore.
nothing is exciting either.
I guess I just need a routine.

Its like half summer half spring. And I'm not diggin' it.

but what I am diggin'
snowglobes.
They are the perfect gift. Granted they're just a useless thing that will eventually be put away or worse thrown away, but something about snowglobes is so whimsical and fun. They're carefree, and yet incredibly intimate and personal because in a way, snowglobes can represent dreams and goals.
At least for me.

So anyway imaginary readers. If you buy me a snowglobe, I will cry and love you forever.


In other words...

I think I'm gonna start writing poetry along with plays.
I like don't believe in writing poetry, but it might like help me clear my mind. I always got good marks on my poems in school. Even from the ominous Dr. Bonin. So maybe, I'm not a BAD writer.

I don't know. I need to find root in something.
Theatre and music isn't doing that for me any more, bc I'm too analytical about it all.
Which is good.

I want to be an actress and singer. So I need to be objective about my craft.
However, by being so critical, I can no longer "release" myself into. Atleast, not where I personally am in my journey.

DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love what I'm doing. I would not change it for the world. Theatre is my love. It still brings me infinite amounts of joy, I just can't get up and do a monolog for fun anymore. its about getting better. Which is what I want.

Writing can be my new hobby. Where I don't have to constantly put myself out there. It can be an intimate, intrinsic part of me.



ANYWAY--- next blog. I want to write about why I love Art History and Short Stories and Literature. And how that relates to my love for theatre and music. Observation.